Was reading through the oldie, and realised, There were equally happy and unhappy posts, unlike this current one, which only consists of my unhappiness. Perhaps because, I can't find a reason for happier posts. Maybe I should start finding reasons for happy posts.

I'll actually prefer to keep things to myself, because I don't like to get different opinions and then it in turn makes me even more frustrated.

I guess, I'll never find that courage.

Its upsetting to see your dearest people cry, and makes you wanna cry too. And I'm trying real hard not to, so that I can give them the security, thus, I have to be strong.

Sighz, I really really can't find reasons to tell myself that I'm happy.

Beneath that skin, there is more to be revealed.

Ok, I admit.

I've just been living in a state of self denial.

Title-less post.

My mind is blank. And truly, there hasn't been any difference, whether I'm occupied or not, I still think god damn a lot. No matter how busy I am, or how much things I've to think about, my mind still naturally sways to a part that is non relevant, and I'll start brainstorming on that.

It sucks you know? So much.

And best part is, I'm selfish, I don't wish to share with anyone. Some things can be shared and some things, not. There is way too much in me. Too much secrets in me, and I'm drowning in them. I really wished, I could just go away for awhile. Just that little while.

There are a thousand and one things I want to do, need to do, and know I should do. But, everything is all so messed up right now, and I feel lost, and I don't know how to walk on anymore.

I miss baby boy so much, so much. He's my angel, the only one, who keeps me all calm and cool. And I love him so much.

The emotions in me are so much, and I just, feel like crying out loud.

I don't see myself, as someone important, neither do I feel that, I am important.

Blah blah blah blah blah!

All the nonsense in me is out.

Good night.

Make me or break me

Its really kinda a bad day for me. Its really kinda tough, and I've always looked lowly of myself, and I somehow feel I really can't make it. I really don't know. Its just so tiring. And I miss baby boy. Lots of things are on my mind, and I just don't feel like talking to anyone, because after all, its not gonna help anything at all, so I'll rather just be the cheerful me that everyone thought I was.

Most of the time, I'm the one, whom my friends look for when they need to talk, and its funny how, when I have problems, I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Its not that I can't seek comfort in them, its just that, perhaps, I'm afraid of hearing what people has to say. Blame it on the EGO. I like to appear strong, and I love it when my friends confide in me, because each time when I help to make them feel good, I feel good too. I just want the people around me to be happy, and nothing else matters.

So, here I am whining to "You", the only "one" I feel most at ease to. Because, "you'll" just listen to me quietly, and, for as long as I want to, and whenever I feel like I need to. And "you'll" never leave me, until I decide to delete "you", and even if I decides to dumped "you", you'll never betray me and spread my secrets around. =)

Its been a long long time since I had a good cry, and I really feel the need to. I really need to and I can feel them, accumulating, but, they just won't flow.....

Fuck My Life

WARNING* The below content is gonna bore you to death, so please click the X on the top right hand corner of your window if you think you don't wanna read my nonsense whines. =)

*Everything that has been said, is solely my own opinions and it does not represents anyone*



FML. I thought things were suppose to get better as my life starts to become normal again. But apparently not, perhaps, I still need some time to get used to working and coping with school as well. But its kinda taking its tool on me, when I first decided to leave NWH, its partly also because I felt that I cannot cope with working and studying together, so I decided to just study. Too bad my savings could only last me this long before I need to get back to the uber stressful working and studying at the same time life.

This is only just the third day, and my new responsibilities are still the more simple ones, and I already can't take it anymore, and felt like so much time has been taken away from me. Coming back, seeing the pile of unwashed clothes, and how messy my room is, I'm really so annoyed at myself for not being able to manage my time well. And it totally sucks when you feel that you've lost control over your life. Ok, I know this is like the simplest thing, and I'm getting so uptight about it which is so Duh....... But I really hate it, and now, having to think of shifting my room, having to get new stuffs, means more money needs to be used, and I've got none, with those stupid reminders coming in stating unpaid bills, I really feel like shit, and daddy can't help me much on these, I really feel like shit.

Sometimes, I really just feel like dying, Ok, its stupid to have suicidal thoughts, but then again, who doesn't have them! Its just that I only have thoughts about dying and I'll never have the courage to do so la. But sometimes, I really feel so suffocated, I've got so much things on my mind, and so much responsibilities on me, and plus, I'm only twenty three, which I sometimes think that, I don't deserve this life I'm having now. And I know I can't be like those twenty threes you usually see on streets, because, I can't reverse all things that has happened, and NO, there is totally NO such thing as a TIME MACHINE.

Yea, whining and whining is all I do, I should do something to make my life better right? Ya, duh... of course I know that, but everything takes time! And making my life a better one to me is equals to being more capable and earn more money, because, the only way to make my life better is to earn more money. And NO, No, I won't have naive thoughts of "Oh! Find a rich man and marry him, and my life would be better! =) " That is total bullshit. Girls who thinks that finding a rich man, and marrying him, will make your life better, is STUPID.

Women, should earn their own keep, be rich, successful and all men will go under you, and you'll be the one above him, and then, your man, will behave himself, and learn to cherish you, or maybe even work harder than you, so that he'll have his pride, and then, TA DAH! You both will be rich! Then you'll both be happy, and even if either of you decides to dump the other first, you don't have to whine and cry and feels that its the end of the world! Why? Because you still have your MONEY! HAHA! That's the new generation "Happily Ever After"

So you still believe in fairy tales?

Well, I don't anymore.

Friends

What is the meaning of friends? "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts" is what says when I googled. Sounds simple eh? But sometimes, friendships can be as complicating as a couple's relationship. I've always been frank, straightforward, and honest towards my best of friends, and I will never ever wanna hurt them, or see them getting hurt by others. I just want my friends to be happy, and I'll be happy too. Perhaps, I was too "kaypo" trying too hard to make my friends happy, and find the sort of happiness that they want for them, and in turn, sometimes, unexpected situations arises, and the whole thing back fired, and I indirectly caused hurt to my friends, and to myself as well.

I'm sorta trying to change myself now, trying to be less "bo chup" towards my friends, my loved ones, because, ignorance is always a bliss. But its hard, when my best of friends come to me seeking for a listening ear, complaining to me, I can't help but would really love to help. So, ya, still, easy to say, difficult to do.

I've neither heard nor seen someone who was very dear to me for quite some time, and it just feels that, something, a part of me, seemed to be missing, and I feel so empty. My so called "telepathic twin". Its funny how our character, and daily habits are worlds apart, yet, we used to love each other so much, and how well we could seemed to read each other's mind, all the time. I miss her, very much.

I'm not sure if things will be back to the way they were, but, I really hope they do.

If YOU, my telepathic twin, read this, text me, I miss you so much. And my arms are always still opened and waiting for you to come back to me. Alright, this might sound very homo, but, this is how much I love you, and miss you. And yet, the sometimes ego me, don't really know how to approach you. So ya, do text me if you had missed me as much. If not, I'll know, what this friendship meant to you, but I'll still miss you and love you as much, and understand that, perhaps, I wasn't good enough for you, or I couldn't live up to your expectations as you expected me to behave as a friend to you.

I seriously don't know what to say anymore. I'm just dumbfounded. I can't find any answers anymore. Its like as if everything has come to a standstill. I'm tired, too tired to walk on.

Contradiction

Its very funny how we humans are always so contradicting. When we are not sure of something, we can really die to find the answer, but usually after we do, we would have wished that we never found out. When you've found the truth, you don't know what to do, and would tend to seek advices some how or rather to help solve the issue, but yet, don't listen to what people have said. I've sorta talked about this in my last post. So yea, will stop the crap shit now.

Have you ever believe in your own instincts? Acted just based on your instincts? Is it really true that a woman's sixth sense is always very accurate? Well, I guessed mine is almost 80 per cent accurate. Do instincts go wrong? Have you ever thought that, sometimes, instincts could just be moment of say...... jumping into conclusions? Have you ever acted upon anything just based on your instincts and then realised that it was all just a mere moment of acting upon rashness?

Its really very hard to actually be analytical in relationships, its after all not mathematics and you can't just calculate all the possibilities using statistics ya know? Things are after all much much more complicated in real life. If only, in love and life, its just as simple as 1+1=2.

Many people always say, there is no right or wrong in relationships. Is that really true? If you happen to have a cheating spouse, is it your fault that your spouse is cheating on you? Is it because you're not able to maintain your physical outlook, the love, and the sparks in the relationship? I know it always takes 2 hands to clap, but its really so complicated and contradicting. Many things are really un-explainable.

I've actually decided to hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst. But I guess, in our lives, nothing is so bad that you'll need to actually be thinking that you're so bad, so bad that nobody loves you, or thinking that you'll be better off dead since you can't find your true love, or the person you love doesn't loves you back, or getting rejected by some one you're going after, or losing your job. There are so many people out there in the world, dying from hunger, poor living conditions, compared to us, being able to live in a part of the world, that's got no natural disasters, nice and stable houses to live in, a much safer country compared to the rest, what else can we possibly ask for?

Living in self denial, torturing your own mind, doing things you've never done and hate to do, to harm your health, is really very stupid. Making your loved ones worry about you, is really not one should do. We only deserve to be love, if we could just love ourselves more first. Life is really short, we don't now what's gonna happen the next second, minute, hour, day, weeks, months, years. Why not spend each day happily, plan short term goals, rather than spending your days, thinking of things that has already happened, and living in self pity. Life is really too short to waste. There is nothing that can make you think that its the end of the world, or your world is collapsing just because you've lost someone or something, because, there are so many people out there who are fighting to survive, so we should cherish our lives so as to show respect and gratitude to your parents who gave us our life.

Like my classmate said to me, "welcome to auntyhood" =)

Maybe I should change my blog's name to Confessions of a Moody Shopaholic Aunty. LOL.

*Roars* I'm so addicted to L4D. So much! AHHHHH!!! Gui lai liao ah! Bom Bom Bom Bom Bom!

Time for bed, good nite world.

Its the time of the night again, where all the past memories are coming back to haunt me, remind me, and makes me feel all paranoid again. I can't sleep, I really can't. No matter how hard I try to get myself to not think of anything, nor imagine the worst, I still cannot control myself. I don't used to behave like that, but I just can't seem to find the reason that is making me feel so shitty.

I've been cheated many times before, and seen my girlfriends getting cheated on by their boyfriends, my guy friends who get cheat on by their girlfriends, my girlfriends who back-stabbed our own girlfriends, my guy friends who back-stabbed our own guy friends, my uncles who betrayed my aunts' trust, and my mum who betrayed my dad's trust. I always trust people, trust the people I love, my girlfriends, my buddies and my family. But time and time again, I'm always being betrayed, by the people, I love, and whom I thought, I could trust. Why? Is it because, I'm too naive, too stupid, and too gullible? Or is it because, I looked like as if I don't care and don't give a damn? Being very truthful about myself, and hoping that people treats me truthfully has always been the most important principle in my life, to me that is. I don't care what the truth is, as long as, its not being kept from me. I've always been straightforward and honest, why is it that, I always don't get back what I've given?

I've been wondering, was it because I'm different? Which is why, I don't get treated the way I deserved to be treated? I've been through so much setbacks, to become what am I today. I've learned how to protect myself, from not getting hurt and betrayed, but, time and time again, this stupid trait of mine, of being too trusting is always getting in the way. But, I'm glad, I came this far, because, I've learned to protect myself better, and thanks to all of those, who've betrayed me before, and make me understand that, words are always cheap, and I've learned to only see but not to hear.

Daddy taught me, never ever to trust anyone, including him, and only to trust myself, because that is the only way, I'll never get hurt, even if so, I've only got myself to blame and no one else. And I've came to realised that, everyone's perceptions to all things, will always always be different, some can come to terms with certain things, while some can't for the same thing. And I'll start listening to my heart, my instincts and my sixth sense, and not others, because, whatever that might happen, I'll just hate myself, for not listening to myself.

And right now, I've choose this path that I wanna take, and I'm gonna accept whatever that may come. Although it might seemed dark right now, but I believe, there is gonna be a better future sooner or later. I've fell, and picked myself up time and time again, and I'm so used to falling, that I've already feel numb, so there's nothing that can break me again.

Oh oh oh, one thing, the only thing that can break me is, putting on weight. I really hate to feel depressed all over again because of my weight issue. The worst thing about me is, I splurge when I'm unhappy, and my appetite tends to get better when I'm happy. I really wished that, I splurge when I'm happy too, so that my appetite doesn't gets any better, and I won't be putting back the horrible 8kgs that I've lost so far.


I want a longchamp bag for CNY! =(

Bahhhhhhhhhhhh..... random, I know.

You know, its always funny how people always ask around for advices, and yet not heed them, and yet, still keep asking for advices over and over again. I'm not complaining about anyone else here, but, I just feel I always make a very good adviser for my girlies, but when the ball is being thrown back into my court, I'm stuck, and I have no one to turn to. Or rather, maybe I do have people telling me things which are 100% true, and I insist to live in self denial, and I refuse to listen to the things that are obviously the truth, and wished that they weren't. Contradicting huh? I think so too.

I tend to read too much into the smallest, tiniest shit, which is so god damn hard for me to not read too much into them! Well, maybe I've been too free, I need to start getting my life back on track, keep myself busy, so I'll prolly be too tired to think of even the largest shit that happened. I seriously hate my life now, feeling so useless, and I'm so gonna start doing something about it. Otherwise, before my dad starts to go crazy from trying to keep me at home, I'll start going crazy first.

I seemed to have lost control of my mind, totally. And I'm going nuts, with all sorts of thoughts, all sorts of but's but's and what if's, what if's and what if's. I may look simple but I think complicatedly, with a very wild imagination. I guess, if I were to be in the artsy fartsy industry, I would have been famous for my wonderful, creative and wild imagination! Sometimes, I really wished I was a retard, visually or hearing impaired, so I could trust unconditionally, I wouldn't be seeing things I wished I hadn't, hearing things which I shouldn't.

Blah blah blah...

I just hate to hear things I shouldn't have.

*Prolly, it was my ear that had a problem.*
*repeats 100 times*

I can feel, I'm falling deeper. The deeper I am in, the more afraid I am of getting hurt again. I hope this time, its for real, and I won't be taken as a joke again. I'm happy with Mr C around though, he always has his way to make me laugh and smile. Never really had this kinda feeling before though. Hope it lasts. =) But oh well, all's still too early to tell.

I've been having this terrible pain in the left side of my tummy, terrible sharp pain. The same pain that got me admitted into the hospital for 5 days. I don't know what it is, whatever it is, I hope it goes away, and its not something serious. Or rather I hope there is "nothing" (tumour, ulcer or what nots) in there.

Results is gonna be out tomorrow, I don't think praying for the best will help, because I know, I did badly. So I'm all prepared for supp paper.

I just hope, this year would be a better year. I hope to find a job real soon, and start saving up all over again. Been spending way tooooooooo much due to my moodiness!

I thought......

Today's the start of my 4th semester, and I'm starting to feel all shitty again. I don't really think I should feel so, because I need this, not because I wanted it. And I've got no choice but to bite it through. The last semester was totally screwed, and without having to see my results, I'm 100% sure that I've flunked it. Sighz, 3 main paper and 2 supp paper awaits me, and I'm really feeling all so demoralised.

I read my last blog, all the past posts, what we used to had, what you've done for me, and all the thoughts I've had about us, they made me smile and sorta made my heart twitch a little. Yes, it still hurts, and I've gotta admit, I still miss you. Bah~ bad thing I guess. But I'm sure I don't love you as much anymore, perhaps it was a habit of mine and now I'm still trying to kick it away. Its just like drugs, ciggies, and alcohol right? Once you're addicted to any of it, you need some time to kick the habit away, or find something else to replace it so you can kick the habit away with much ease right? I thought I've forgotten, but I haven't. Yea yea, I know, its in the past, and its over. Should be looking forward, and not backwards.

I tried, tried to know someone new, and have a fresh start, just so to forget whatever that has happened, but apparently, I'm still as contradicting. I love the life I'm having now, no restrictions to where I go, what I do, what I wear, and what kinda friends I hang out with, but still, no one can make me feel that I'm important in their life. I've always been serious to how I treat people, but then they take me as a joke, no one is ever serious, that's how I feel though. I don't get assured, treated seriously, or rather they are serious, but yet do things that made me feel they aren't serious. I don't know, or perhaps its just me that I'm feeling so all insecure about everything.

I'm just tired of not being taken seriously, I hate to compromise again and again and all I get in the end are just tears and the sounds of my heart breaking.

Baaahhhh~ random thoughts and thoughts of me trying to be emotional.

Damn! Always happens when my period is here. Shiat.

I'm Back

Happy 2010!

I don't know why, but I just decided to come back.

Just needed a space of my own, for blabbering whatever that's on my mind.

No more tagboard, so no stupid comments from stupid people.

Be back with more.

Ciaoz~