Monday, March 22, 2010

Was reading through the oldie, and realised, There were equally happy and unhappy posts, unlike this current one, which only consists of my unhappiness. Perhaps because, I can't find a reason for happier posts. Maybe I should start finding reasons for happy posts.

I'll actually prefer to keep things to myself, because I don't like to get different opinions and then it in turn makes me even more frustrated.

I guess, I'll never find that courage.

Its upsetting to see your dearest people cry, and makes you wanna cry too. And I'm trying real hard not to, so that I can give them the security, thus, I have to be strong.

Sighz, I really really can't find reasons to tell myself that I'm happy.

Beneath that skin, there is more to be revealed.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Ok, I admit.

I've just been living in a state of self denial.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Title-less post.

My mind is blank. And truly, there hasn't been any difference, whether I'm occupied or not, I still think god damn a lot. No matter how busy I am, or how much things I've to think about, my mind still naturally sways to a part that is non relevant, and I'll start brainstorming on that.

It sucks you know? So much.

And best part is, I'm selfish, I don't wish to share with anyone. Some things can be shared and some things, not. There is way too much in me. Too much secrets in me, and I'm drowning in them. I really wished, I could just go away for awhile. Just that little while.

There are a thousand and one things I want to do, need to do, and know I should do. But, everything is all so messed up right now, and I feel lost, and I don't know how to walk on anymore.

I miss baby boy so much, so much. He's my angel, the only one, who keeps me all calm and cool. And I love him so much.

The emotions in me are so much, and I just, feel like crying out loud.

I don't see myself, as someone important, neither do I feel that, I am important.

Blah blah blah blah blah!

All the nonsense in me is out.

Good night.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Make me or break me

Its really kinda a bad day for me. Its really kinda tough, and I've always looked lowly of myself, and I somehow feel I really can't make it. I really don't know. Its just so tiring. And I miss baby boy. Lots of things are on my mind, and I just don't feel like talking to anyone, because after all, its not gonna help anything at all, so I'll rather just be the cheerful me that everyone thought I was.

Most of the time, I'm the one, whom my friends look for when they need to talk, and its funny how, when I have problems, I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Its not that I can't seek comfort in them, its just that, perhaps, I'm afraid of hearing what people has to say. Blame it on the EGO. I like to appear strong, and I love it when my friends confide in me, because each time when I help to make them feel good, I feel good too. I just want the people around me to be happy, and nothing else matters.

So, here I am whining to "You", the only "one" I feel most at ease to. Because, "you'll" just listen to me quietly, and, for as long as I want to, and whenever I feel like I need to. And "you'll" never leave me, until I decide to delete "you", and even if I decides to dumped "you", you'll never betray me and spread my secrets around. =)

Its been a long long time since I had a good cry, and I really feel the need to. I really need to and I can feel them, accumulating, but, they just won't flow.....

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Fuck My Life

WARNING* The below content is gonna bore you to death, so please click the X on the top right hand corner of your window if you think you don't wanna read my nonsense whines. =)

*Everything that has been said, is solely my own opinions and it does not represents anyone*

FML. I thought things were suppose to get better as my life starts to become normal again. But apparently not, perhaps, I still need some time to get used to working and coping with school as well. But its kinda taking its tool on me, when I first decided to leave NWH, its partly also because I felt that I cannot cope with working and studying together, so I decided to just study. Too bad my savings could only last me this long before I need to get back to the uber stressful working and studying at the same time life.

This is only just the third day, and my new responsibilities are still the more simple ones, and I already can't take it anymore, and felt like so much time has been taken away from me. Coming back, seeing the pile of unwashed clothes, and how messy my room is, I'm really so annoyed at myself for not being able to manage my time well. And it totally sucks when you feel that you've lost control over your life. Ok, I know this is like the simplest thing, and I'm getting so uptight about it which is so Duh....... But I really hate it, and now, having to think of shifting my room, having to get new stuffs, means more money needs to be used, and I've got none, with those stupid reminders coming in stating unpaid bills, I really feel like shit, and daddy can't help me much on these, I really feel like shit.

Sometimes, I really just feel like dying, Ok, its stupid to have suicidal thoughts, but then again, who doesn't have them! Its just that I only have thoughts about dying and I'll never have the courage to do so la. But sometimes, I really feel so suffocated, I've got so much things on my mind, and so much responsibilities on me, and plus, I'm only twenty three, which I sometimes think that, I don't deserve this life I'm having now. And I know I can't be like those twenty threes you usually see on streets, because, I can't reverse all things that has happened, and NO, there is totally NO such thing as a TIME MACHINE.

Yea, whining and whining is all I do, I should do something to make my life better right? Ya, duh... of course I know that, but everything takes time! And making my life a better one to me is equals to being more capable and earn more money, because, the only way to make my life better is to earn more money. And NO, No, I won't have naive thoughts of "Oh! Find a rich man and marry him, and my life would be better! =) " That is total bullshit. Girls who thinks that finding a rich man, and marrying him, will make your life better, is STUPID.

Women, should earn their own keep, be rich, successful and all men will go under you, and you'll be the one above him, and then, your man, will behave himself, and learn to cherish you, or maybe even work harder than you, so that he'll have his pride, and then, TA DAH! You both will be rich! Then you'll both be happy, and even if either of you decides to dump the other first, you don't have to whine and cry and feels that its the end of the world! Why? Because you still have your MONEY! HAHA! That's the new generation "Happily Ever After"

So you still believe in fairy tales?

Well, I don't anymore.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


What is the meaning of friends? "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts" is what says when I googled. Sounds simple eh? But sometimes, friendships can be as complicating as a couple's relationship. I've always been frank, straightforward, and honest towards my best of friends, and I will never ever wanna hurt them, or see them getting hurt by others. I just want my friends to be happy, and I'll be happy too. Perhaps, I was too "kaypo" trying too hard to make my friends happy, and find the sort of happiness that they want for them, and in turn, sometimes, unexpected situations arises, and the whole thing back fired, and I indirectly caused hurt to my friends, and to myself as well.

I'm sorta trying to change myself now, trying to be less "bo chup" towards my friends, my loved ones, because, ignorance is always a bliss. But its hard, when my best of friends come to me seeking for a listening ear, complaining to me, I can't help but would really love to help. So, ya, still, easy to say, difficult to do.

I've neither heard nor seen someone who was very dear to me for quite some time, and it just feels that, something, a part of me, seemed to be missing, and I feel so empty. My so called "telepathic twin". Its funny how our character, and daily habits are worlds apart, yet, we used to love each other so much, and how well we could seemed to read each other's mind, all the time. I miss her, very much.

I'm not sure if things will be back to the way they were, but, I really hope they do.

If YOU, my telepathic twin, read this, text me, I miss you so much. And my arms are always still opened and waiting for you to come back to me. Alright, this might sound very homo, but, this is how much I love you, and miss you. And yet, the sometimes ego me, don't really know how to approach you. So ya, do text me if you had missed me as much. If not, I'll know, what this friendship meant to you, but I'll still miss you and love you as much, and understand that, perhaps, I wasn't good enough for you, or I couldn't live up to your expectations as you expected me to behave as a friend to you.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I seriously don't know what to say anymore. I'm just dumbfounded. I can't find any answers anymore. Its like as if everything has come to a standstill. I'm tired, too tired to walk on.