Its the time of the night again, where all the past memories are coming back to haunt me, remind me, and makes me feel all paranoid again. I can't sleep, I really can't. No matter how hard I try to get myself to not think of anything, nor imagine the worst, I still cannot control myself. I don't used to behave like that, but I just can't seem to find the reason that is making me feel so shitty.

I've been cheated many times before, and seen my girlfriends getting cheated on by their boyfriends, my guy friends who get cheat on by their girlfriends, my girlfriends who back-stabbed our own girlfriends, my guy friends who back-stabbed our own guy friends, my uncles who betrayed my aunts' trust, and my mum who betrayed my dad's trust. I always trust people, trust the people I love, my girlfriends, my buddies and my family. But time and time again, I'm always being betrayed, by the people, I love, and whom I thought, I could trust. Why? Is it because, I'm too naive, too stupid, and too gullible? Or is it because, I looked like as if I don't care and don't give a damn? Being very truthful about myself, and hoping that people treats me truthfully has always been the most important principle in my life, to me that is. I don't care what the truth is, as long as, its not being kept from me. I've always been straightforward and honest, why is it that, I always don't get back what I've given?

I've been wondering, was it because I'm different? Which is why, I don't get treated the way I deserved to be treated? I've been through so much setbacks, to become what am I today. I've learned how to protect myself, from not getting hurt and betrayed, but, time and time again, this stupid trait of mine, of being too trusting is always getting in the way. But, I'm glad, I came this far, because, I've learned to protect myself better, and thanks to all of those, who've betrayed me before, and make me understand that, words are always cheap, and I've learned to only see but not to hear.

Daddy taught me, never ever to trust anyone, including him, and only to trust myself, because that is the only way, I'll never get hurt, even if so, I've only got myself to blame and no one else. And I've came to realised that, everyone's perceptions to all things, will always always be different, some can come to terms with certain things, while some can't for the same thing. And I'll start listening to my heart, my instincts and my sixth sense, and not others, because, whatever that might happen, I'll just hate myself, for not listening to myself.

And right now, I've choose this path that I wanna take, and I'm gonna accept whatever that may come. Although it might seemed dark right now, but I believe, there is gonna be a better future sooner or later. I've fell, and picked myself up time and time again, and I'm so used to falling, that I've already feel numb, so there's nothing that can break me again.

Oh oh oh, one thing, the only thing that can break me is, putting on weight. I really hate to feel depressed all over again because of my weight issue. The worst thing about me is, I splurge when I'm unhappy, and my appetite tends to get better when I'm happy. I really wished that, I splurge when I'm happy too, so that my appetite doesn't gets any better, and I won't be putting back the horrible 8kgs that I've lost so far.


I want a longchamp bag for CNY! =(

Bahhhhhhhhhhhh..... random, I know.