I seriously don't know what to say anymore. I'm just dumbfounded. I can't find any answers anymore. Its like as if everything has come to a standstill. I'm tired, too tired to walk on.

Contradiction

Its very funny how we humans are always so contradicting. When we are not sure of something, we can really die to find the answer, but usually after we do, we would have wished that we never found out. When you've found the truth, you don't know what to do, and would tend to seek advices some how or rather to help solve the issue, but yet, don't listen to what people have said. I've sorta talked about this in my last post. So yea, will stop the crap shit now.

Have you ever believe in your own instincts? Acted just based on your instincts? Is it really true that a woman's sixth sense is always very accurate? Well, I guessed mine is almost 80 per cent accurate. Do instincts go wrong? Have you ever thought that, sometimes, instincts could just be moment of say...... jumping into conclusions? Have you ever acted upon anything just based on your instincts and then realised that it was all just a mere moment of acting upon rashness?

Its really very hard to actually be analytical in relationships, its after all not mathematics and you can't just calculate all the possibilities using statistics ya know? Things are after all much much more complicated in real life. If only, in love and life, its just as simple as 1+1=2.

Many people always say, there is no right or wrong in relationships. Is that really true? If you happen to have a cheating spouse, is it your fault that your spouse is cheating on you? Is it because you're not able to maintain your physical outlook, the love, and the sparks in the relationship? I know it always takes 2 hands to clap, but its really so complicated and contradicting. Many things are really un-explainable.

I've actually decided to hope for the best, and be prepared for the worst. But I guess, in our lives, nothing is so bad that you'll need to actually be thinking that you're so bad, so bad that nobody loves you, or thinking that you'll be better off dead since you can't find your true love, or the person you love doesn't loves you back, or getting rejected by some one you're going after, or losing your job. There are so many people out there in the world, dying from hunger, poor living conditions, compared to us, being able to live in a part of the world, that's got no natural disasters, nice and stable houses to live in, a much safer country compared to the rest, what else can we possibly ask for?

Living in self denial, torturing your own mind, doing things you've never done and hate to do, to harm your health, is really very stupid. Making your loved ones worry about you, is really not one should do. We only deserve to be love, if we could just love ourselves more first. Life is really short, we don't now what's gonna happen the next second, minute, hour, day, weeks, months, years. Why not spend each day happily, plan short term goals, rather than spending your days, thinking of things that has already happened, and living in self pity. Life is really too short to waste. There is nothing that can make you think that its the end of the world, or your world is collapsing just because you've lost someone or something, because, there are so many people out there who are fighting to survive, so we should cherish our lives so as to show respect and gratitude to your parents who gave us our life.

Like my classmate said to me, "welcome to auntyhood" =)

Maybe I should change my blog's name to Confessions of a Moody Shopaholic Aunty. LOL.

*Roars* I'm so addicted to L4D. So much! AHHHHH!!! Gui lai liao ah! Bom Bom Bom Bom Bom!

Time for bed, good nite world.

Its the time of the night again, where all the past memories are coming back to haunt me, remind me, and makes me feel all paranoid again. I can't sleep, I really can't. No matter how hard I try to get myself to not think of anything, nor imagine the worst, I still cannot control myself. I don't used to behave like that, but I just can't seem to find the reason that is making me feel so shitty.

I've been cheated many times before, and seen my girlfriends getting cheated on by their boyfriends, my guy friends who get cheat on by their girlfriends, my girlfriends who back-stabbed our own girlfriends, my guy friends who back-stabbed our own guy friends, my uncles who betrayed my aunts' trust, and my mum who betrayed my dad's trust. I always trust people, trust the people I love, my girlfriends, my buddies and my family. But time and time again, I'm always being betrayed, by the people, I love, and whom I thought, I could trust. Why? Is it because, I'm too naive, too stupid, and too gullible? Or is it because, I looked like as if I don't care and don't give a damn? Being very truthful about myself, and hoping that people treats me truthfully has always been the most important principle in my life, to me that is. I don't care what the truth is, as long as, its not being kept from me. I've always been straightforward and honest, why is it that, I always don't get back what I've given?

I've been wondering, was it because I'm different? Which is why, I don't get treated the way I deserved to be treated? I've been through so much setbacks, to become what am I today. I've learned how to protect myself, from not getting hurt and betrayed, but, time and time again, this stupid trait of mine, of being too trusting is always getting in the way. But, I'm glad, I came this far, because, I've learned to protect myself better, and thanks to all of those, who've betrayed me before, and make me understand that, words are always cheap, and I've learned to only see but not to hear.

Daddy taught me, never ever to trust anyone, including him, and only to trust myself, because that is the only way, I'll never get hurt, even if so, I've only got myself to blame and no one else. And I've came to realised that, everyone's perceptions to all things, will always always be different, some can come to terms with certain things, while some can't for the same thing. And I'll start listening to my heart, my instincts and my sixth sense, and not others, because, whatever that might happen, I'll just hate myself, for not listening to myself.

And right now, I've choose this path that I wanna take, and I'm gonna accept whatever that may come. Although it might seemed dark right now, but I believe, there is gonna be a better future sooner or later. I've fell, and picked myself up time and time again, and I'm so used to falling, that I've already feel numb, so there's nothing that can break me again.

Oh oh oh, one thing, the only thing that can break me is, putting on weight. I really hate to feel depressed all over again because of my weight issue. The worst thing about me is, I splurge when I'm unhappy, and my appetite tends to get better when I'm happy. I really wished that, I splurge when I'm happy too, so that my appetite doesn't gets any better, and I won't be putting back the horrible 8kgs that I've lost so far.


I want a longchamp bag for CNY! =(

Bahhhhhhhhhhhh..... random, I know.

You know, its always funny how people always ask around for advices, and yet not heed them, and yet, still keep asking for advices over and over again. I'm not complaining about anyone else here, but, I just feel I always make a very good adviser for my girlies, but when the ball is being thrown back into my court, I'm stuck, and I have no one to turn to. Or rather, maybe I do have people telling me things which are 100% true, and I insist to live in self denial, and I refuse to listen to the things that are obviously the truth, and wished that they weren't. Contradicting huh? I think so too.

I tend to read too much into the smallest, tiniest shit, which is so god damn hard for me to not read too much into them! Well, maybe I've been too free, I need to start getting my life back on track, keep myself busy, so I'll prolly be too tired to think of even the largest shit that happened. I seriously hate my life now, feeling so useless, and I'm so gonna start doing something about it. Otherwise, before my dad starts to go crazy from trying to keep me at home, I'll start going crazy first.

I seemed to have lost control of my mind, totally. And I'm going nuts, with all sorts of thoughts, all sorts of but's but's and what if's, what if's and what if's. I may look simple but I think complicatedly, with a very wild imagination. I guess, if I were to be in the artsy fartsy industry, I would have been famous for my wonderful, creative and wild imagination! Sometimes, I really wished I was a retard, visually or hearing impaired, so I could trust unconditionally, I wouldn't be seeing things I wished I hadn't, hearing things which I shouldn't.

Blah blah blah...

I just hate to hear things I shouldn't have.

*Prolly, it was my ear that had a problem.*
*repeats 100 times*

I can feel, I'm falling deeper. The deeper I am in, the more afraid I am of getting hurt again. I hope this time, its for real, and I won't be taken as a joke again. I'm happy with Mr C around though, he always has his way to make me laugh and smile. Never really had this kinda feeling before though. Hope it lasts. =) But oh well, all's still too early to tell.

I've been having this terrible pain in the left side of my tummy, terrible sharp pain. The same pain that got me admitted into the hospital for 5 days. I don't know what it is, whatever it is, I hope it goes away, and its not something serious. Or rather I hope there is "nothing" (tumour, ulcer or what nots) in there.

Results is gonna be out tomorrow, I don't think praying for the best will help, because I know, I did badly. So I'm all prepared for supp paper.

I just hope, this year would be a better year. I hope to find a job real soon, and start saving up all over again. Been spending way tooooooooo much due to my moodiness!

I thought......

Today's the start of my 4th semester, and I'm starting to feel all shitty again. I don't really think I should feel so, because I need this, not because I wanted it. And I've got no choice but to bite it through. The last semester was totally screwed, and without having to see my results, I'm 100% sure that I've flunked it. Sighz, 3 main paper and 2 supp paper awaits me, and I'm really feeling all so demoralised.

I read my last blog, all the past posts, what we used to had, what you've done for me, and all the thoughts I've had about us, they made me smile and sorta made my heart twitch a little. Yes, it still hurts, and I've gotta admit, I still miss you. Bah~ bad thing I guess. But I'm sure I don't love you as much anymore, perhaps it was a habit of mine and now I'm still trying to kick it away. Its just like drugs, ciggies, and alcohol right? Once you're addicted to any of it, you need some time to kick the habit away, or find something else to replace it so you can kick the habit away with much ease right? I thought I've forgotten, but I haven't. Yea yea, I know, its in the past, and its over. Should be looking forward, and not backwards.

I tried, tried to know someone new, and have a fresh start, just so to forget whatever that has happened, but apparently, I'm still as contradicting. I love the life I'm having now, no restrictions to where I go, what I do, what I wear, and what kinda friends I hang out with, but still, no one can make me feel that I'm important in their life. I've always been serious to how I treat people, but then they take me as a joke, no one is ever serious, that's how I feel though. I don't get assured, treated seriously, or rather they are serious, but yet do things that made me feel they aren't serious. I don't know, or perhaps its just me that I'm feeling so all insecure about everything.

I'm just tired of not being taken seriously, I hate to compromise again and again and all I get in the end are just tears and the sounds of my heart breaking.

Baaahhhh~ random thoughts and thoughts of me trying to be emotional.

Damn! Always happens when my period is here. Shiat.

I'm Back

Happy 2010!

I don't know why, but I just decided to come back.

Just needed a space of my own, for blabbering whatever that's on my mind.

No more tagboard, so no stupid comments from stupid people.

Be back with more.

Ciaoz~